Sorry for the lack of posts in really the last month... It’s not for lack of trying! I'm just unmotivated! Yes... I'm willing to admit that I, Julie Marie Park, am completely unmotivated at the moment. Things have been going on in our crazy busy lives but I haven't blogged or even taken photos of things... I'm just totally slacking!
Part of me feels like it is a third pregnancy slump... When it comes to Baby Boy #2 I've just hit a wall mentally and emotionally. I haven't truly put a lot of thoughts into a name, I came up with the theme for his room but since that time I haven't lifted a finger to actually implement the plan, and I haven't even bought the little man any clothes of his own.
It also pains me to admit that I'm not that excited and I feel like that makes me a horrible person. Last pregnancy I was in pain but it all seemed so worth it and I was so excited because Matt and I had tried for 9 months to get preggers and I was just so excited about every little kick and just carrying his baby made even the pain okay.... this time I'm just over it. At the end of the day I feel defeated. The pain seems worse (even though I'm sure it is the same... I'm just negative about it this time around) and I am just not getting any joy from being pregnant. I fear that a new baby will disrupt our delicate balance in our home life and I worry how Hunter will react to having a new little one around.
Just so unexcited... and that kills me. Is it because we didn't try and try for this baby? is it because I didn't long and wish for it crying every time I took a negative pregnancy test after months of trying? With this pregnancy it all just sort of happened and in the beginning I have to admit that I wasn't even happy about being pregnant because it just wasn't the right time. But now I'm fine with it... what a horrible thing to say... I don't want to just be fine with the fact that we are going to welcome a new life into this world! I want to be bouncing off the walls excited! I want to pick out paint colors for his room, buy a guitar for his wall, and find that one perfect coming home outfit... but after 25 weeks of being pregnant I'm just not there yet. I'M STILL JUST FINE... maybe it's just hormones or fear in the unknown... but I want out of whatever this is.
This isn't something that I've talked about openly with any of my friends really or even Matt because I do feel so ashamed of my lack of excitement but I wanted to be honest on here... because isn't that what a blog is for? A place to reflect on life... even if that life is a bit messy at the moment. I just have to remember that not everything is perfect 100% of the time.